The year of our lord, 19 hundred and 99, was the absolute pinnacle of human achievement in television arts. In that one glorious year, a closeted transgender college sophomore could watch first run episodes of Star Treks Deep Space Nine and Voyager, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and, the subject of this blog post, Xena: Warrior Princess. Sure, the dot-com bubble pop, the 2000 US Presidential election, and 9/11 were waiting just around the corner to suck all the fun and joy out of everything, but for that year, we were god's favored children.
Xena: Warrior Princess tells the story of the titular Xena, a former warlord who begins a path of redemption after saving an infant's life while pillaging the pseudo-Greek landscape. In the premiere episode, Xena meets a bookish (scrollish is perhaps a more historically appropriate term) provincial maiden named Gabrielle, who becomes her sidekick, her travelling companion, and, since post-production interviews with the creators and actors are considered canon, her lover. It is that last role that Gabrielle filled in Xena's life in particular that has given the show a lasting legacy of positive representation for the rainbow people of the LGBTQ community. Xena single-handedly defeated entire armies of men in battle, asserted herself in matters of state with men, and dispatched justice upon men with fervor. However, as long as she still submitted herself to a male lover, Universal Television believed that audiences would take a collective sigh of relief that the natural order of the world as dictated by Jesus, or possibly Burt Reynolds, would be preserved in the end. Xena: Warrior Princess ended its six-season run without explicitly crossing that red line of patriarchy. Oh, and if any millennials happen to read this, Burt Reynolds was the like the Ryan Reynolds of the 70s.
In reality, well, not real reality, just in-universe reality... no wait, yeah, in real reality too, Xena and Gabrielle were committed lovers. That was how the characters were written and that is how the characters live on-screen. Together they formed a power couple of complimentary personalities and qualities - Xena with her raw power and aggression, Gabrielle with her intellect and tenderness. The contrast between the two heroes borders on cliche, but it feels natural to an audience conditioned on heteronormativity. Xena represents the masculine and Gabrielle, the feminine. The potential crisis of a relationship free from an imposed power dynamic averted. Well, at least for a little while. Put a pin in this because we're coming back to it in a little while.
This is where I do some self-exploring. If you thought this is just a pop culture review blog, I've got some bad news for you.
I wanted to be Xena. That's hardly revelatory, as the character was written to be aspirational. It's probably more insightful to say that I specifically did not want to be Gabrielle. In my eyes, she would always be dependent on Xena for protection from a violent world and provision of resources in a physical labor-intensive society. Xena could live and thrive in that universe without Gabrielle, but Gabrielle could not survive without Xena. Gabrielle was powerless and had to rely on her ability to provide transactional care and support in exchange for protection and provision. That dependency appeared to me as weakness, and it was repulsive to me. Understanding why I had such a strong reaction to her character did not take much effort. Gabrielle was holding up a large mirror, and I hated my reflection both literally and metaphorically. I felt powerless and dependent on strong people for protection. Unlike Gabrielle, I had no Xena to keep me safe. Even worse, I was ashamed for even wanting one. Whether the societal expectations placed on me as a tall, young man were real or self-imposed, I'm not sure. They felt real. Maybe it was both. Either way, the result was years of spiraling shame, guilt, and self-loathing.
I'm in my mid-forties now, and I still feel like I owe the world something for being given this privilege of being born male and then rejecting it. Finally stepping out of my male identity for good feels like I have to apologize to everyone who gave me love and support for letting them down. For not being Xena.
Remember that pin we placed earlier in the discussion of the roles that Xena and Gabrielle portrayed? Let's go back to that.
Fans that made it all the way to the end of the series know that both characters undergo massive character building over the course of 134 episodes, to the point where Xena and Gabrielle are largely indistinguishable from one another based on personality traits. Xena becomes nurturing and caring while Gabrielle becomes a fierce warrior, while both retain their default settings as well. By the end of season six, they are truly equals. There is no power dynamic at play in their relationship, just love. Xena protects Gabrielle, and Gabrielle protects Xena. Each partner provided what the other lacked, until they learned from one another and grew as people. Maybe these were lessons missed in their childhoods. Maybe we should rethink how we conceptualize childhood. Maybe it should be more about getting the emotional skills you need and less about the fact that you obtained an arbitrary age. I hope I grow up some day.
Fans that made it all the way to the end of the series know that both characters undergo massive character building over the course of 134 episodes, to the point where Xena and Gabrielle are largely indistinguishable from one another based on personality traits. Xena becomes nurturing and caring while Gabrielle becomes a fierce warrior, while both retain their default settings as well. By the end of season six, they are truly equals. There is no power dynamic at play in their relationship, just love. Xena protects Gabrielle, and Gabrielle protects Xena. Each partner provided what the other lacked, until they learned from one another and grew as people. Maybe these were lessons missed in their childhoods. Maybe we should rethink how we conceptualize childhood. Maybe it should be more about getting the emotional skills you need and less about the fact that you obtained an arbitrary age. I hope I grow up some day.